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Home and away

I’ve just spent a few days away with work, which only happens a handful of times a year and I still struggle with being apart from my son Roman. 

It’s weird, when you plan that excursion, agree to the job (I'm a freelancer so you cant really say no!), you get all excited about the small things; a bed all to yourself, the lie-in, being able to shut the bathroom door and pee in private, not having to rush home to cook dinner.  But then, when I’m in that space, the silence is unnerving, the bed is cold and clinical, the quiet throws me and I just long for a cuddle and the sound of ‘Muuuuuum’ from the other room!  To be wanted, to feel needed.

Why do I find it so hard to just let myself ‘be’ in those quieter moments and savour them?  Why do I battle with the guilt of not being there when he says he misses me, or asks when I’m home?  What is this Mum guilt all about? I’m sure every primary-care giver gets it.

Is it genetic, something to do with biology and the way we’re programmed?  Or do we just put that guilt on ourselves?  Whatever it is – does it ever goes away?  Will I ever be able to have that night away and really thoroughly switch off from being Mum, from being provider, feeder, cuddler, carer?  Then again, do I even want it to go away?  Probably not!

So when I’m right in the midst of that  ‘in a minute Roman’ moment and I’m about to blow my top, I breathe, I welcome it, embrace it and know that deep down it is something to cherish and be thankful for.

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